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In short: The word “Literally” keeps being misused - its definition eroding. But we need the word - to clarify things’ literal/figurative meaning. We need it to show whether we were on fire or performing well, whether we were steer-wrestling or tackling a problem head-on, or whether we have Athlete’s foot or we have a fear of commitment. I am the Literally Tsar, and I am defending the word’s correct definition.

The word “Literally” is in a dire state. It has been stolen from us. By football commentators, by News reporters coming live from all over the UK. People are now literally thinking outside the box and literally drinking like fish. Football players are literally on fire, rugby players are literally built like brick shithouses.

The English language is so wonderfully rich and affords us great creativity with an enormous array of curious phrases. “Having a frog in your throat”, “laughing your head off”, “Talking out of your arse”, “I’d kill for a coffee” are just a few phrases which usually (and figuratively) mean something completely different to the literal meaning of the phrase. So we have the word “literally” and “figuratively” in order to differentiate between the two. Most of the time you don’t need to say figuratively because it is implied that you would not kill for a coffee, and that cats and dogs are not falling from the sky as rain. “Literally” is a safe-word, to show you mean exactly what you are saying lest you be misunderstood. So when Martin Roberts literally takes it on the chin, or when a bride literally shoots her self in the foot, or even “allowing your head to be cut off“, you need the L-word to show what you mean.

When people misuse it, it devalues the word. And there is no other word which means quite what Literally means. Already in various dictionaries you have the proper definition (that it means in a literal manner; word for word) and then a sheepish add-on definition something along the lines of “Used as an intensive before a figurative expression“. Which is criminal. I have tried asking the Dictionary people why this is - and their response is “we follow the use of language, so if people use it like that - it makes it in the dictionary”. In my mind, that means we cannot use dictionaries as reference material. The word Literally has been misused for years - by all sorts of serious writers from Mark Twain or James Joyce. That doesn’t make it right.

My plans:

As well as logging the misuse of the word here, I’m going to teach those misusers a lesson. I will take as many of these misused phrases as possible, and literally do them. Not figuratively do them.  Do them Literally.

I won’t be tackling a challenging problem head on, I’ll be taking a bull by the horns. I won’t be playing football brilliantly, I will be playing football whilst physically on fire. I won’t be celebrating loudly  with a large group of people, I will be painting the town red. I won’t be trying as hard as I possibly can, I’ll actually be giving 110%.

I’ve already done a lot of these things - literally teaching an old dog new tricks, literally losing my marbles, literally travelled from A to B, literally been to Hell and back, literally known my onions, and many more. And there are still plenty of things on my To-(literally)-Do list.

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Many thanks,

Paul Parry, Literally Tsar