Another Literally show coming up soon: November 4.

Details are here: http://literallysellinglikehotcakes.eventbrite.com/

I have never seen anything like this. I am aghast. It knocks all of Jamie Redknapp, Jamie Oliver, Fearne Cotton, Peaches Geldof, into a cocked hat (figuratively).

Looks like I’m going to have to take Literally Tsar global… Rachel Zoe must be stopped!

(With thanks to Jezebel for the video via @MatthewCrosby and @sonnypike)

Dear (Mr/Miss/Mrs) Riley/Reilly,

I wonder if you could help me: I would like to live the life of Riley/Reilly. Literally.

My name is Paul, and I’m a writer and comedian, (in a sort of Dave Gorman vein), and am currently doing lots of things literally to reclaim the word “literally”. I am currently doing a (well-reviewed) stand-up comedy show, and writing a “Literally” book due to come out in mid-2011.  I literally teach an old dog new tricks, literally bite off more than I can chew, go to Hell and back, literally lose my marbles, etc. In October I plan to literally keep up with the Joneses. This project all started when I literally cycled from A to B. It was after travelling from A to B that I realised how crucial the L-word was, and how eroded my efforts were by the constant misuse of “literally”.

So what I would like to do, is to live the life of someone named Riley/Reilly for a day or two. Ideally this would include doing your chores, doing some aspect of your job, spending time with your mates/family/spouse, playing in any sports team, etc.

That’s a pretty big ask admittedly, but I’m just trying to find one Riley/Reilly with whom I can spend some interesting time whether it be a Radio5live presenter, cartoonist, or Countdown numbers person, or everyday Joe (Riley/Reilly).  As long as it has nothing to do with the BBC sitcom The Life of Riley which is so bad it bring tears to the eyes.

I am not a nutter. I am quite a lovely man, “wonderfully affable” even, according to Three Weeks, or “amiable” according to The Scotsman. If I need to persuade further, I’d like to offer anyone called Riley/Reilly two free tickets to any of my Literally shows until I have literally lived the life of Riley/Reilly. If any Riley/Reilly is reading this before Wednesday (28th) night - please do come to my next show - THE POLISH CLUB, ST PAUL’S ROAD, CLIFTON, BRISTOL. FREE/£5 SUGGESTED DONATION TO WATERAID. BOOK HERE! (though you don’t really have to book - as I’ll be taking the £5 off you at the door.

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask.

Many thanks,

Paul

parryphernalia@btinternet.com

I’m still not sure how I found out about Ignite. I think someone sent me something on Twitter, but I don’t remember who what or when. But it is brilliant, and I’m so glad I discovered it and got involved. Ignite is a worldwide phenomenon with groups in cities all over the world and is very similar, and easier to say than Pecha Kucha. Ignite is doing short presentations of 20 slides which switch every 15 seconds. So each person gives a 5 minute presentation. Easy. there are hundreds of wonderfully diverse Ignite talks on subjects as diverse as How to do an Autopsy on a Whale, to sketch comedy, and now: to the word Literally.

So at Ignite Bristol #2, there was a very diverse group of talkers. I am now much more aware about toxins (phthalates) in sex toys, tobacco farming in Zambia, Bayesian Logic and how to do cryptic crosswords. The great thing about the talks is that they will all be online very shortly. So I can actually watch my 5 minutes on Literally, including the slides going wrong on Ignite’s Mac… and me getting slightly annoyed. But doing OK in the end. Bring on Ignite #3.

My brother and I are running a marathon in 157 days time. Just over 5 months. Not just any marathon, but the hardest road marathon in the UK - the Snowdonia marathon.

The course map looks rather pleasant - a scenic lap of Snowdon (Yr Wyddfa to the locals). But Snowdon is the highest mountain of wales, and unlike Fuji, it’s not a lone mountain, so the whole course is up and down the surrounding mountains. It’s when you look at the helpfully provided profile that a little bit of wee comes out, and we wonder how ill-prepared I am thus far, and how much I need to train between now and then. I have run 3 marathons before, none since 2004, and they have all been a triumph of will on the day, rather than a predictably-executed run after a well-prepared training schedule. Looking at the massive uphill for miles 21 to 24, it’s going to take some proper training from now, as well as some serious mental strength on the day.

Last year’s winner managed it in 2 hours 36, and the last finisher exactly five hours later in 7 hours 36. I am aiming to split their times, and finish my fastest ever marathon, hitting 5 hours. So far it seems possible if implausible.

Possible because: 1) I live in Bristol, and it’s bloody full of hills. So if I run anywhere here pretty much - it’s hill training. 2) I have an iPod now - which makes marathon distance training much more interesting than a long cassette/Minidisc. 3) I enjoy doing painfully difficult things. 4) My brother is doing it, and he’s a runner’s build, and if he beats me by miles it will be annoying to have to kill him. (maybe I’ll just switch our numbers at the start. that could work).

Those previous marathons:

• Mid-Atlantic Marathon, June 2004 - WINNER - 5 hours 10 minutes. A peculiar affair, which I only considered after running a half marathon around the decks of the QM2 the day before (not ideal training). It seemed like a good idea at the time, and I was keen on keeping fit, whilst not pedalling, as I took the QM2 from Southampton to New York to continue on my way from A to B. I was joined for the last few laps by various other passengers who had seen me on QM2TV. Marvellous. It later turned out I had run over 28 miles, due to a rounded-down lap marker claiming that 3 laps was only 1.1 mile. Admittedly I may have only won because I was the only starter of this race, and the only person to have definitely run a mid-atlantic marathon.
• London Marathon 2003 - 5 hours 20 minutes. My first marathon.
• London Marathon 2004 - 6 hours 15 seconds. Am not sure how this happened. I took it easy as I was heading off from A to B on the bike a couple of weeks later. It was horrible. I sprinted the last mile to make sure I got in under 6 hours, but somehow failed.

I want to recruit a flashmob orchestra to convene on a sunny weekend this Summer, wander down (in black tie) from the promenade onto the beach, and play the Jaws theme to the the delight/fear of swimmers all over the beach. Brighton perhaps, though I’m open to suggestions.

I can’t help but feel this would be excellent. The “Roy Scheider Memorial Philharmonic” could play the wonderful John Williams’ Jaws theme (listen here), and surely the connection is so engrained in everyone that everyone would get out of the water. I know I would. After the piece, the orchestra could file back off the beach, jump on the bus, and try it again at the next beach. Hopefully the tune isn’t engrained in actual sharks or else we could incite them to eat swimmers, and get in trouble.

So who’s up for it? Join my Facebook group and hopefully we’ll get it going to do in the August bank holiday. Most importantly - we’ll need an ace Tuba-player. Know one?

If a success, we’ll expand the idea with some other suitable classic film soundtrack flashmobs, but first up: Jaws.]